⟪ it takes her a moment to place what these words remind her of, as he sinks back into her touch, as she slowly lets go off his hands to get back to massaging his back, tend to the tensions in the most physical way she can. it sounds familiar ––
it's an odd comparison, in the end, but it feels fitting anyway. drugs. not that she's ever done anything worse than smoke a little weed, the fox had saved her from that, had given her a place of safety and comfort and simple joys that were enough of a home to keep her from it. but addicts spoke that way about dead friends, sometimes. it's heroin, you don't expect to live that long. ⟫
I... I don't think it's fine. ⟪ her voice is very soft. ⟫ I think it's very, very difficult, actually.
⟪ there's a moment's hesitation, as she tries to wrap her thought into words.⟫
I know you're strong. I just... I need you to know that I'm not going to fox off the moment you're feeling something other than calm and good humour.
( he surprises himself with a laugh. a little chuff of noise that's almost more crow than human, perhaps in presentation more than sound. )
No, I meant it's fine you're prodding. Six years of therapy has actually managed to convince me I'm pretty fucked up about it.
( there's a million words for what he feels. survivor's guilt is probably the foremost of them. his tone's a bit flippant, but that's just one more way he deals. easier to talk about it like it happened to something else. easier to pretend that infection isn't still below the surface waiting for the right pressure of a sharp knife to lance it out into the open air. )
But trust me, Flora, you wouldn't see that side of me if I didn't know it was. ( his mouth twists into a grimace. the word-choice that follows is deliberate: ) safe.
( for her, first of all. he couldn't control being angry, but he can control the anger. but. safe for him too. to show it. )
⟪ he's likely caught flora do much of the same thing, the shrug that usually pre-faces some revelation about her past that she knows isn't normal or healthy or good, but the truth all the same. maybe not the best trait to share, but if nothing else, it means they speak each other's language. ⟫
Good! We're on the same page.
⟪ she says it to try and lighten the air, as she's still doing what the jets wouldn't bless them with, easing tension out of him moment by moment. ⟫
I've been talking to friends a lot about... everything, but I'm going to get myself one of those therapists too, when we get back. Turns out the college's got a bit of an offer for students, counselling and such. Wouldn't be something I would have considered much if we hadn't met.
( her hands feel fucking wonderful. between that and the hot water, if the conversation weren't as fraught as it is, he'd be thinking about a nap. instead, he just ducks his head down, stretching out the muscles as she works. )
Just make sure you get a good one. Not every therapist's a fit for every person. The first couple I had really made me want to punch holes in drywall more than anything else. One of them thought it was a great idea to get critical about the war and the American invaders. Loved that. ( a bit of a sharp exhale. ) All I'm saying is, don't throw the baby out with the bath water if it doesn't stick at first.
⟪ it's right on the money – she fully hadn't considered that. ⟫
I'll keep it in mind. And... I'm glad you found one who works well for you.
⟪ there are other things she's thought about – boris, like every year since billie suggested it, is happy to host a thanksgiving for the youths. flora's sat herself down and thought of some things she can do with the kiddos without doubling down on things billie or sam or the others are already doing, and came up with a few ideas.
but... and that might be a bit selfish. but part of her just wants to enjoy the hot water, wants to do just what she's doing right now. sink in the moment. ⟫
⟪ part of her wants to joke, before she remembers the way he lives and realises that this is, truly, the kind of thing he can just buy. working jets and all. by now, with her place being as crappy as it is and the occasional generous tip, she's got her paycheck and savings that, well, don't amount to more than two hundred bucks, if that. and that's already a lot, considering where she used to be.
she's paid no mind to the wolves. it's... not her habit to focus on the soundscape of nature like that. ⟫
I'm not stopping you. I'll trade you breakfasts and dinners for a dip.
( he knows that it's wholly possible she's got a chip on her shoulder about the money. he tries not to lord it over anyone, but it's an undeniable part of him — but he didn't have the typical model of wealthy upbringing growing up. his father was frugal. every penny had to be accounted for, clothing was bought second-hand or mended unless it was to be worn in front of the cameras, belongings beyond that had to be earned. sam mowed lawns every day for a summer to buy the nintendo he'd had as a child. and after he moved out of that old, big house at sixteen he'd been as dirt poor as anyone else.
honestly, he had no idea how much money the old man had skimped and saved away until a lawyer was muttering millions into his ear over a poor-quality phone connection. he'd thought at most the house was the only asset of any note, and that he'd wanted to sell. his mother was the one who changed his mind, who'd said that he should take it as a chance to turn a place of misery into something better.
he's not. quite there yet. maybe once he throws out the last useless box of hoarded garbage he will be.
but in the meantime, he has more freedom than he's ever had in his life. money has gone from meaning everything to meaning almost nothing. he's not rich, but he's certainly wealthy. he could quit his job tomorrow and live off the interest of the sundry investments. instead, he pays them back into the community. sets up grants and programs and ways for people to better their lives. all things his father claimed to do but rarely did. he never made a financial move unless it doubled his return somehow. sam feels a kind of petty, vindictive pleasure in spending his money frivolously. )
Deal. Also, god, yeah, that spot. Right there, right shoulder.
⟪ he is not unpleasant about his wealth –– in fact she's had no idea of it until she saw his house. that aside, he knows, intimately knows, in part through his work, what her side of the financial equation looks like. ⟫
Like so?
⟪ she can feel how tense this spot is, and she focuses her touch, amping up the intensity just enough to hopefully rub out the tension. ⟫
( it actually pulls a deep, pleasurable groan out of him. he doesn't exactly relax, but the tension does ease off, some. sam wouldn't know what to do with relaxation if it bit him, frankly. )
⟪ don't think flora won't make this her personal mission. ⟫
Oh, you would? Thank you.
⟪ she's not fully expected it, seeing how it was her idea to offer, so... the fact that he'd like to makes her feel all warm and soft inside. that said, she does shift to give him access. her curls are already pinned up as well as they can be, considering that they're not exactly tameable. ⟫
( he swaps with her, but. there's a problem. she sinks so low into the water that any motion of his hands against her back is going to create the world's most awkward splashing. he stares at her shoulders, flummoxed. the only solution he can think of off the top of his head is her sitting on his lap, but. he is. not going to suggest that.
instead, he just bursts out laughing. )
Holy shit. You're too short for this, I'm so sorry. We might have to carry this on inside by the fireplace.
⟪ she joins in, coming to just about the same realisation. it's not something she'd considered – after all, she's just had the most comfortable time massaging him, what with most of her body being in the nice, hot water. she laughs hard enough to get a helping of tub-water into her mouth, so the amusement is temporarily interrupted by coughing.
eventually – ⟫
I didn't consider that. ⟪ lord, it's a good idea in general – they've been in the water for quite a while now. once she's gathered her bearings, she wades through to the adjunct shelf and hands him a towel before grabbing one for herself. ⟫ And I should have, I mean, I sat in your driver's seat trying to reach any pedal.
⟪ back during the storm, when he'd shown her his precious blue. ⟫
( he just laughs, follows behind her. he grabs the towels they'd set aside, handing her one first before he drapes the second of them over one shoulder. )
Want a lift?
( it's not a long walk to the house, but they're barefoot. and maybe it's an excuse to be near to her, and maybe it's just being chivalrous. either way. )
⟪ she grins – after all, she'd been the one to awkwardly stalk barefoot into the tub, trying to avoid any pebbles that might have found their way onto the deck. ⟫
Always!
⟪ and it's only in part because, after spending so much time touching, it's a strangely bereft feeling not to be so close anymore. ⟫
( so, after ensuring she is secure in the towel, he sweeps her — quite literally — off her feet. an old-fashioned bridal carry, with all the bells and whistles. he's grinning a bit as he does it, enjoying the proximity just as much.
kissing her would feel so natural right here. he almost does it, too, half leaned in over her where she's nestled in his arms, but. he holds back, instead transmuting the gesture to a press of his cheek over the crown of her hair. affectionate without being overt. once he's finangled the door open with no small amount of finesse, he sets her gently down. )
Do you have any lotion or something? Your skin'll rub otherwise.
⟪ he carries her, and it's a wonderful, lighthearted feeling to be in his arms like that, and there's a moment where she's sure he's about to kiss her – instead, he presses his cheek to her, nuzzling her in an affectionate way that, somehow, has her feeling just as good as a kiss might have. once inside and on her own two feet, she nods, stepping over to her backpack and returning with a lotion bottle. ⟫
With shea butter.
⟪ because she'd liked the scent, which, to be fair, is how she does most of her shopping. lotion, much like conditioner and the concept of not just using her shower gel as both that and a shampoo, are a recent addition, slowly brought in as her paycheck became a stable thing to allow those small expenses she'd previously denied herself.
she joins him by the fire, hands the bottle to him to inspect. ⟫
Y'think it's going to work?
⟪ she's no expert. his skin's probably glad there was water and steam about. ⟫
( he flips the bottle over in his hand a little jauntily with a knowing smile. )
Perfect. Come on, let's cozy up in front of the fire. One sec.
( he towels himself off a bit and then heads for the bathroom, where he changes into a pair of sweatpants. then it's out to the main room of the cabin and the recliner in front of the fireplace. if he sits in that, and flora at his feet (maybe on a rolled up blanket) she'll be just about the right height. )
⟪ when he returns, her towel is already hung up by the fire to dry, and she's rearranging the recliner so it's comfortably close to the warmth of the fireplace. she must have had about the same idea of how best to arrange the two of them to make up for the, ah, height struggle.
while flora is still in her bikini, she's wrapped a blanket around her lower half for a little bit of extra warmth.
she's already getting comfortable, chirping happily when she sees him. can't be helped sometimes. the fact that he'd not put on a shirt, she notes – it's good to know he's more comfortable now. good to know he's fine with her seeing him. ⟫
I moved us a bit closer to the fireplace. I think this might work. ⟪ a smile. ⟫ In my next life, I'll come back as a giraffe. That's gonna make it easier.
( the little chirrup makes him smile. she has a lot more fox mannerisms than he does crow ones, and sometimes he wonders if he's been going about shifting wrong his whole life. she has such a warm, genuine love for her fox form — and while it's not like he dislikes flying, or any of the other wonders being a crow has given him, he's always seen it as more of separate entity, almost, from himself. a kindred spirit that inhabits the same body, wants the same things. something he calls on. he has nothing of a corvid's habits, and the few commonalities between them could be passed off as quirks of personality.
he settles into the recliner, knees spread to either side of her shoulders, and he sets that bottle down beside him, doling out a generous handful of it in the meantime, so he can warm it up before putting it on her skin. )
⟪ the laugh is more an amused huff as she nudges against his leg with affection. it's got all the markings of a bad decision. she's sitting with her legs tucked underneath herself, touching the spot above her left knee where her little mistake lives. ⟫
Picture this – you're seventeen, and your friend Tonya boyfriend Steve has a cousin called Bubba. Yes, Bubba.
⟪ she squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, still grinning. ⟫
Well, it's four in the morning and Bubba's got a tattoo needle, ink, he doesn't care about an ID, and he swears he can tattoo a fox on you.
⟪ she exhales. ⟫
And maybe you're just drunk enough to look at this guy and think – yeah, that sounds reasonable.
⟪ doesn't yet explain why it doesn't look at all like a fox. ⟫
( he's grinning as she tells it. there's something so utterly infectious about her cheer, just being near her is like the warmth radiating off a sun. )
You know what? I kinda like it. It has... personality.
⟪ there is something so utterly good about talking to him. she's got people in her life now who listen, but it's something else, too. he's so warm about it, and so easy to be around. ⟫
Halfway through, this man looked at me and said: I don't know how to tell you this, but it's gonna be a racoon.
⟪ she laughs at the memory, much more distant now. ⟫
Personality. I like that. Part of me wants to cover him up, but y'know. It's not Herbert's fault he's an experimental racoon.
( the lotion is warm in his palm, and then puts his right arm over her shoulder so his hand is in her field of vision. he's got a hairband on his wrist and he sort of waggles his fingers to draw attention to it )
Pull your hair out of the way for me?
( and tie it up so he can work. he's not done talking about the tattoo, but there are other matters right now. )
⟪ gently, she fishes the hairband from his wrist with thanks.
it's a bit of a hopeless case – after all, she'd had them tied up in the hot tub, but the brief carrying interlude had undone that pretty much immediately. she ties it up in a loose bun, and at least the steam had gotten them wet enough to be termporarily tameable. she suspects they'll dry in an even curlier shape. ⟫
All out of the way?
⟪ she feels around her neck to make sure no stray curl escape. ⟫
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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it's an odd comparison, in the end, but it feels fitting anyway. drugs. not that she's ever done anything worse than smoke a little weed, the fox had saved her from that, had given her a place of safety and comfort and simple joys that were enough of a home to keep her from it. but addicts spoke that way about dead friends, sometimes. it's heroin, you don't expect to live that long. ⟫
I... I don't think it's fine. ⟪ her voice is very soft. ⟫ I think it's very, very difficult, actually.
⟪ there's a moment's hesitation, as she tries to wrap her thought into words.⟫
I know you're strong. I just... I need you to know that I'm not going to fox off the moment you're feeling something other than calm and good humour.
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No, I meant it's fine you're prodding. Six years of therapy has actually managed to convince me I'm pretty fucked up about it.
( there's a million words for what he feels. survivor's guilt is probably the foremost of them. his tone's a bit flippant, but that's just one more way he deals. easier to talk about it like it happened to something else. easier to pretend that infection isn't still below the surface waiting for the right pressure of a sharp knife to lance it out into the open air. )
But trust me, Flora, you wouldn't see that side of me if I didn't know it was. ( his mouth twists into a grimace. the word-choice that follows is deliberate: ) safe.
( for her, first of all. he couldn't control being angry, but he can control the anger. but. safe for him too. to show it. )
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Good! We're on the same page.
⟪ she says it to try and lighten the air, as she's still doing what the jets wouldn't bless them with, easing tension out of him moment by moment. ⟫
I've been talking to friends a lot about... everything, but I'm going to get myself one of those therapists too, when we get back. Turns out the college's got a bit of an offer for students, counselling and such. Wouldn't be something I would have considered much if we hadn't met.
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Just make sure you get a good one. Not every therapist's a fit for every person. The first couple I had really made me want to punch holes in drywall more than anything else. One of them thought it was a great idea to get critical about the war and the American invaders. Loved that. ( a bit of a sharp exhale. ) All I'm saying is, don't throw the baby out with the bath water if it doesn't stick at first.
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I'll keep it in mind. And... I'm glad you found one who works well for you.
⟪ there are other things she's thought about – boris, like every year since billie suggested it, is happy to host a thanksgiving for the youths. flora's sat herself down and thought of some things she can do with the kiddos without doubling down on things billie or sam or the others are already doing, and came up with a few ideas.
but... and that might be a bit selfish. but part of her just wants to enjoy the hot water, wants to do just what she's doing right now. sink in the moment. ⟫
I like this place. I'm glad we came here.
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Honestly, all this is doing is convincing me I should put a hottub in my back yard.
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she's paid no mind to the wolves. it's... not her habit to focus on the soundscape of nature like that. ⟫
I'm not stopping you. I'll trade you breakfasts and dinners for a dip.
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honestly, he had no idea how much money the old man had skimped and saved away until a lawyer was muttering millions into his ear over a poor-quality phone connection. he'd thought at most the house was the only asset of any note, and that he'd wanted to sell. his mother was the one who changed his mind, who'd said that he should take it as a chance to turn a place of misery into something better.
he's not. quite there yet. maybe once he throws out the last useless box of hoarded garbage he will be.
but in the meantime, he has more freedom than he's ever had in his life. money has gone from meaning everything to meaning almost nothing. he's not rich, but he's certainly wealthy. he could quit his job tomorrow and live off the interest of the sundry investments. instead, he pays them back into the community. sets up grants and programs and ways for people to better their lives. all things his father claimed to do but rarely did. he never made a financial move unless it doubled his return somehow. sam feels a kind of petty, vindictive pleasure in spending his money frivolously. )
Deal. Also, god, yeah, that spot. Right there, right shoulder.
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Like so?
⟪ she can feel how tense this spot is, and she focuses her touch, amping up the intensity just enough to hopefully rub out the tension. ⟫
I'm so going to do this more often. It's fun!
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Christ, here. Trade me spots. Your turn.
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Oh, you would? Thank you.
⟪ she's not fully expected it, seeing how it was her idea to offer, so... the fact that he'd like to makes her feel all warm and soft inside. that said, she does shift to give him access. her curls are already pinned up as well as they can be, considering that they're not exactly tameable. ⟫
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instead, he just bursts out laughing. )
Holy shit. You're too short for this, I'm so sorry. We might have to carry this on inside by the fireplace.
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eventually – ⟫
I didn't consider that. ⟪ lord, it's a good idea in general – they've been in the water for quite a while now. once she's gathered her bearings, she wades through to the adjunct shelf and hands him a towel before grabbing one for herself. ⟫ And I should have, I mean, I sat in your driver's seat trying to reach any pedal.
⟪ back during the storm, when he'd shown her his precious blue. ⟫
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Want a lift?
( it's not a long walk to the house, but they're barefoot. and maybe it's an excuse to be near to her, and maybe it's just being chivalrous. either way. )
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Always!
⟪ and it's only in part because, after spending so much time touching, it's a strangely bereft feeling not to be so close anymore. ⟫
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kissing her would feel so natural right here. he almost does it, too, half leaned in over her where she's nestled in his arms, but. he holds back, instead transmuting the gesture to a press of his cheek over the crown of her hair. affectionate without being overt. once he's finangled the door open with no small amount of finesse, he sets her gently down. )
Do you have any lotion or something? Your skin'll rub otherwise.
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With shea butter.
⟪ because she'd liked the scent, which, to be fair, is how she does most of her shopping. lotion, much like conditioner and the concept of not just using her shower gel as both that and a shampoo, are a recent addition, slowly brought in as her paycheck became a stable thing to allow those small expenses she'd previously denied herself.
she joins him by the fire, hands the bottle to him to inspect. ⟫
Y'think it's going to work?
⟪ she's no expert. his skin's probably glad there was water and steam about. ⟫
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Perfect. Come on, let's cozy up in front of the fire. One sec.
( he towels himself off a bit and then heads for the bathroom, where he changes into a pair of sweatpants. then it's out to the main room of the cabin and the recliner in front of the fireplace. if he sits in that, and flora at his feet (maybe on a rolled up blanket) she'll be just about the right height. )
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while flora is still in her bikini, she's wrapped a blanket around her lower half for a little bit of extra warmth.
she's already getting comfortable, chirping happily when she sees him. can't be helped sometimes. the fact that he'd not put on a shirt, she notes – it's good to know he's more comfortable now. good to know he's fine with her seeing him. ⟫
I moved us a bit closer to the fireplace. I think this might work. ⟪ a smile. ⟫ In my next life, I'll come back as a giraffe. That's gonna make it easier.
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he settles into the recliner, knees spread to either side of her shoulders, and he sets that bottle down beside him, doling out a generous handful of it in the meantime, so he can warm it up before putting it on her skin. )
So what's your tattoo about?
( yes, he saw that. )
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Picture this – you're seventeen, and your friend Tonya boyfriend Steve has a cousin called Bubba. Yes, Bubba.
⟪ she squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, still grinning. ⟫
Well, it's four in the morning and Bubba's got a tattoo needle, ink, he doesn't care about an ID, and he swears he can tattoo a fox on you.
⟪ she exhales. ⟫
And maybe you're just drunk enough to look at this guy and think – yeah, that sounds reasonable.
⟪ doesn't yet explain why it doesn't look at all like a fox. ⟫
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You know what? I kinda like it. It has... personality.
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Halfway through, this man looked at me and said: I don't know how to tell you this, but it's gonna be a racoon.
⟪ she laughs at the memory, much more distant now. ⟫
Personality. I like that. Part of me wants to cover him up, but y'know. It's not Herbert's fault he's an experimental racoon.
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Pull your hair out of the way for me?
( and tie it up so he can work. he's not done talking about the tattoo, but there are other matters right now. )
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it's a bit of a hopeless case – after all, she'd had them tied up in the hot tub, but the brief carrying interlude had undone that pretty much immediately. she ties it up in a loose bun, and at least the steam had gotten them wet enough to be termporarily tameable. she suspects they'll dry in an even curlier shape. ⟫
All out of the way?
⟪ she feels around her neck to make sure no stray curl escape. ⟫
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